I’m reflecting on the past year and a half today and decided to share a glimpse of the deeper path of my journey this far. Social media can be an awesome gateway for business, building your brand, and making connections for your future; however, it can also often only reveal the good. Let’s be real, all of us mostly take and post pictures on our good days, because who would want to showcase the bad right? That doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Everyone has their own battles they choose to share or not to share. I’m happy to say I’m in a peaceful and fulfilled place, surrounded by my small, but amazing family that brings me happiness everyday – but the struggle and journey to get to this point doesn’t have to be hidden. So I’m choosing to share it.
In March of 2016, I found out to my surprise that I was pregnant! Talk about a wave of emotions – scared, worried, shocked, and in disbelief. Here I was, 21 years young, heading to my classes at Georgia Southern University with a teeny “blueberry” growing in my tummy that very few were aware of. I was told that I was too young, I needed to graduate, and that I would ruin my youth and my future… these thoughts consumed my mind for the next few weeks, but inside I was happy and simply afraid to be. I still remember crying in my car and praying to God for comfort. The growth of a new life is suppose to be exciting and beautiful right? On March 24, 2016 I ignored the few popular opinions around me and took a visit to the doctor. I heard his little heartbeat and saw my teeny peanut on our very first ultrasound picture and fell in love. I left the appointment smiling so big and completely comforted with the idea – God had given me exactly what I asked for and needed. I was more than happy. I remember Eric anxiously awaiting to hear how it went and I called him right away to tell him my worries were gone and how excited I was. Little did I know what I was once so worried about would become my entire life, world, and purpose. That upcoming weekend I headed home with plans of telling my family that I was beginning a little family of my own.
On March 26, 2016, me and Eric decided to spend our Friday night with Justin Maddox, Megan Smith, and Olivia Cox. These were the first people I comfortably shared the news with, as well as the first people to immediately respond with support and pure love. I remember the exact conversation. Justin cheesed and rubbed his hands together continuing to talk about how awesome it was, Olivia asked our due date so her and Megan could be there, and Megan told me I’m going to be the hottest mom at the bake sale (lol) and that we’re going to make an amazing team as parents. Judgmental wasn’t a part of their making. Three entirely supportive, loving, and beautiful souls that wanted the absolute best for their people and we’re stoked to stick by our sides along the journey. I can’t think of a more loving trio.
The night continued and led to an end as we called it a night. I guess I wasn’t the only one having cravings, because me and Justin bought too many boxes of Choo Choo’s for everyone and split it even. We laughed, stuffed our faces with Japanese food, talked about life and the future, and all slumbered together in the living room. What a refreshing night with truly good souls – one I will always remember each and every part and conversation. The next morning we headed home, but we didn’t make it. I had no idea that March, 26 would change my life forever (along with many others) and that I would be entering what was hopefully the darkest point in my life. One second I was laughing with my friends, the next I was trying to wake them up – they never did. A true nightmare. The details of this day will remain in my mind forever. They say you have made it through something when you can tell (or type) your story without crying – I’m not there yet, but I will be one day. Often the expression, “it felt like I was in a dream” is used, but I’ve never truly felt as if I was in a hazy, blurry, dream that I was going to wake up from in any minute until that day. This is when my true struggle began.
You never think something so tragic and unbelievable will happen to you, until it does. I still have days of disbelief, days that I remember conversations I had with those girls in my car and think about how none of us knew that six years later they would lose their lives in that very same vehicle, and days that I simply wonder why. The truth is, it took me awhile to come to few conclusions about this tragedy that have offered me comfort and added to my growth. They were ready, I was not. Megan and Olivia had spiritually and emotionally left marks on the lives of many just by being who they were. I needed growth (I still do). I needed to do more work here on Earth before being worthy of going home to God. Their souls exemplified all things good and loving and I am still a work in progress of reaching that point.
You may think the fact that we were surprised with a pregnancy right before this accident was a fortunate coincidence, but I can’t agree with you. I believe it was a plan. God knew our worlds were about to be turned upside down and we were given a blessing of hope. He knew we needed Kayson. “Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.” When I think about my little family I feel so fulfilled, happy, and beyond blessed. Here we are, over a year later, continuing to grow together, focusing on being the best people to each other and being the best parents to KD we can be.
If it weren’t for my family, friends, Eric, Kayson, and God’s work, I wouldn’t be where I am in this moment. There were days I blocked it out of my mind, days I lied about how I was doing, and days that I remained in shock. I began to face it, pick myself up, and fight. My son now has two perfect, guardian angels watching over him and Uncle J who he will one day get the “cowabunga” phrase and the hang loose sign down for (lol). I’m honored to have him as a part of my sons life and I know he will be someone that Kayson will look up to one day simply for his pure strength. He is a true inspiration with an amazing outlook on life.
I have written words on pages of notebook paper since that day, but wanted to finally put some real thoughts together. While I could go on and on, I will keep my message short. Everyone fights their own battles. While some may be more tragic than others, that doesn’t make them any less important. We were never promised a life without heartache, but we were promised the ability to make it through. Keep fighting, keep pushing, and keep growing. Allow your darkest points to bring you to your lightest and mold you into the person you want to be. I am still working on this – molding, growing and becoming the person and mother that I want to be. Of course there are still hard days, hard times, and moments where I need to do a better job of reminding myself to love, but I will get there and my happiness will only grow larger from here.
Most importantly, never let the world break your spirit and always honor your angels.